Bartosh

Summertime, and the thinking ain’t easy

Engaging in deep thought is difficult when the weather is too hot, so don’t look for any such thing in this space this week.

By the way, “hot” is also a term much of the male population would use to describe a well-endowed Paraguayan lingerie model, whose name — not to mention dozens of photographs featuring her in a low-cut top — recently surfaced on some sports-related Web sites. It seems Larissa Riquelme is such a devoted fan of soccer that she made a promise to run naked around the World Cup stadium in South Africa if Paraguay were to win the sport’s most treasured prize.

Who ever said there was no good reason to watch soccer?

Riquelme’s declaration obviously built a whole new fan base for Paraguay, but the X-rated dream of millions died one step shy of the semifinals when Spain eliminated Paraguay from championship consideration with a 1-0 victory. David Villa scored the match’s lone goal and instantaneously became the biggest villain in sports history.

Maybe a similar offer from Riquelme could awaken the Cubs from their midsummer days’ slumber. Probably not, but hey, it’s worth a try.

***

We now go from beauty to the beast. There’s certainly no better way to intro a story about Bob Knight, the volatile college basketball coaching legend.

It was learned a few weeks ago that Knight has agreed to subject himself to a mid-September roast in northwest Indiana. The event will include guest appearances by former Indiana University players such as Isiah Thomas and Steve Alford, as well as some of Knight’s former coaching foes and assorted cronies.

I’m curious if “The General” truly understands the concept of a roast. Can’t you just envision something like the following unfolding during the evening:

• Steve Alford: “... and who says that the United States doesn’t condone dictatorships? At IU, it was all about one man, Robert Montgomery Knight. He was completely in charge and made sure his way was the only way. There were no partnerships — players’ contributions to any discussion pretty much amounted to, ‘Yes sir, Coach, we’ll be sure to get it right next time...’”
• Bob Knight: “Alford, you’re still nothing but a pretty boy. You never were tough enough to handle what I dished out, were you?”
• Alford: “Hey, Coach, I was only kidding. If you wouldn’t have interrupted me, I was preparing to say how grateful I am for everything you taught me because it shaped my adult life and made me the man I am today.”
• Knight: “Then why the heck didn’t you just say that and leave out all the other garbage? And watch who you accuse of interrupting. I’m the guest of honor here.”
• Alford: “Of course, Coach, but...”
• Knight: “You know, Alford, you may not play for me anymore, but I could still beat the snot out of you if I wanted. And that goes for the rest of you up here on this dais — any of you want a piece of me? I’m not ducking any of you pantywaists. Bring it on!”
• That, my friends, is must-see entertainment.

***

Apparently, all those years spent with Air Jordan convinced Scottie Pippen that he, too, could fly. Then he found out the skies weren’t so friendly after all.

Or at least a couple guys who were supposed to help Pippen get airborne weren’t so nice. The former Bull recently sued two attorneys from a Chicago law firm and won a $2 million verdict after a jury determined the duo had failed to closely monitor Pippen’s purchase of a jet.

Pippen actually sought $8.2 million, but the jury said he bore at least some responsibility for the bad business deal. According to published reports, Pippen admitted in court that he had never spoken with the lawyers when the deal’s terms were set up, leaving that task to [shouldn’t have been] trusted financial advisers.

Pippen ought to consider the whole thing an indicator that he should keep his feet firmly planted on the ground, his hand tightly clutching his wallet and his mind keenly aware of all his business affairs. Or, if that doesn’t work, he can always call MJ for some bailout money.

Besides, Scottie, a guy like you should be wary of airplane travel. After all, those pressurized cabins are capable of giving a person one Pistons-sized migraine.

This is part of the July 29, 2010 online edition of The Reporter.

Have an opinion on this matter? We'd like to hear from you. Click here.